i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
