Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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