dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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