Please, let me fuck your mom
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
