Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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