Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
