yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
