And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
