I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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