i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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