I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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