I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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