Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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