It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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