I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
