Swine flu. Run for my life!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
