Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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