remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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