So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
