I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
