I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
