I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
