i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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