It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
