I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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