So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize