Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
