Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
