I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
