I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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