you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
