At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
