this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
