hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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