im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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