The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
