i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize