I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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