Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
