A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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