Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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