Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
