Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
