Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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