haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
