Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Girls should come with a carfax report
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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