Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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