I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
