I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
