I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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