We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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