They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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