I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this beer tastes like vomit already
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
