you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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