Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
