youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
