worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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