Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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