it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
