my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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