I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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