Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
