I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize