I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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