I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
