I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
