I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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