omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
