That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Farmville is her only friend.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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