Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
