Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
