textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
